Are You Prepared for the Fatpocalypse?

Are You Prepared for the Fatpocalypse?


Johnny B. Truant is an author, blogger, and podcaster who, like the Ramones, was long denied induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame despite having a large cult following. Follow him on Twitter @johnnybtruant

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Oh, happy day!

Hey, it’s Johnny writing today’s Outlaw Bulletin for a change. I’m excited to announce that Fat Vampire 5: Fatpocalypse is now available! This is the biggest book yet in the series (both in scope and in page count) and I know you’ll love it… especially if you’ve been hanging on after the big cliffhanger at the end of book 4.

As a launch special, the book is 25% off until the end of Saturday. Be sure to grab your copy before the price goes up!

Pick up your copy of Fat Vampire 5 here:


 (And if you shop in another store, just search. It should be there; let me know if it’s not.)

I won’t give spoilers in case you haven’t read books 1-4 yet (and if you haven’t, you can get them in a bundle for 33% off here on Amazon US, or again, just search… and remember, book 1 is free on all platforms), but let’s just say that I was kind of bold in this one. I wasn’t afraid to slash and burn, and to make some huge, huge moves.

Here’s the book description (and again, skip the indented part below if you don’t want spoilers from 1-4):

The new vampire president and his genocidal right-hand man have been playing a dangerous game with the humans over the past six months. In the public eye, the two races appear to be at peace… but the situation below the surface is hot enough to boil. And while the untrusting humans mass their defenses, vampire armies have been building to match them — with plans to exterminate the planet’s current inhabitants, saving only a handful of blood slaves.

Reginald, Nikki, Maurice, and the others bunkered in at Maurice’s estate, meanwhile, have found themselves in the middle of a no-win scenario. Is it better to fight with the fanged armies in the vampire revolution? Or should they turn traitors — and risk extermination by their makers — in order to protect the humans?

But just as the cold war outside is about to turn hot, Reginald’s unmatched vampire brain reveals the existence of an artifact that could predict the outcome of the coming war — and maybe even a way to stop it. The only problem is that nobody knows where the artifact is… and when full-fledged war then breaks out and mass slaughter begins on both sides, it seems that time may have run out.

Fat Vampire 5 is the biggest, bloodiest, most snack-filled installment in the Fat Vampire series so far, and sets the stage for the sixth book’s epic series-ender — a conclusion so big you’ll want to unbuckle your belt and push back from the dinner table.

The final book in the Fat Vampire series (Fat Vampire 6: Survival of the Fattest) will be released on October 24th. Of course, I’ll let you know when that happens. :)

But remember… the price of Fat Vampire 5 will go up on Sunday, so do be sure grab your copy now.

P.S: Fat Vampire books 1-5 are now also available in print, as individual volumes. If you like paper books, go here to check them out!

And — of course! — here’s this week’s Caveman Timecop. If you’ve not yet read Caveman Timecop, you can start from the beginning here:

Reed was paralyzed by the dinosaur. He would’ve probably been stepped on if it hadn’t been for the grunting and yelling coming from his left.

His paralysis broke and Reed dove back, into the bush. Strange red berries ticked his face as if trying to remind him of something. He crouched, going stock still. The position helped him focus. He’d only gone back as far as the 1860s (a time that would soon be inaccessible under normal rules, as his own time marched into the 2170s), but in any time incursion a timecop eventually had to face the same basic tasks: Stop. Look. Listen. Be like a hole in the world, unseen by anyone.

The hooting was coming from a group of obnoxious people — some men and some women — shaking spears and blunt clubs in the air. They were filthy and looked more like parodies of cavemen than anything else. They had wild, unkempt hair. One of the women wore a bone in hers, and one of the men was dragging another of the women by a ratted clump. Everyone was dressed in leopard singlets. Reed, hiding in the bush, heard at least one say “Ooga.”

The group converged on the brontosaurus and began beating its enormous foot with their clubs, attempting to gouge its thick skin with their spears. The brontosaurus didn’t seem to notice them at first, and merely reached its long, brown neck forward to snatch another huge clutch of leaves from a nearby tree. The people at its feet continued to shout and holler. Reed wasn’t reminded of the hunting cries he’d heard from African tribesmen. Instead, he was reminded of the brutish antics of 2000’s-era drunk college students.

As Reed watched the people attack the dinosaur’s foot, the dinosaur finished stripping the tree it was working on before moving on. Movement from the hunted foot knocked several of them flat. Then, as the dinosaur moved on, it stepped on three of them. Two of the group’s remaining men made a sound like, “Ohhhhh” and Reed was, this time, reminded of his girlfriend watching that AOLnet bloopers show. It was the sound she made when hapless people were hit in the crotch.

The humans, apparently defeated, ran. The brontosaurus plodded on, stepping into a shallow, smelly lake. Again, Reed was alone with nature.

He slipped the Token out from under his clothes, which he now realized worked as a prehistoric cloak. Because a timecop on a mission was a change agent, the field Tokens didn’t offer time ripple protection like the station’s did. But it would do what he needed it to do — to pierce the time permutations and reach HQ, safe under its isolated umbrella, ensuring that he’d be speaking to the unaltered time he’d just left.

Osterman’s voice didn’t sound surprised to hear from Reed.

“Where the fuck have you sent me, Doc?”

“To exactly where you’re needed most.”